I have always been good at putting things in boxes – be it the stress or anger I am feeling, some kind of guilt or shame, or even grief. I have developed an excellent ability to put my feelings into a metaphorical box in my head, and soldier on. I think I learnt how to do this from a young age and I will most likely write about that another day, but what I learnt was, on the surface, it can work really well.
I appeared to be unflappable, dependable, together – but actually I was just the guy who didn’t really deal with things AT ALL. The problem with that is, after a while, those boxes get pretty jam packed with all the crap you are shoving in there, and they explode. And when that happens, you best not be standing anywhere near, because shit gets crazy.
This blog is a way for me to begin to open those boxes (the ones that haven’t already exploded in spectacular fashion), and deal with the feelings and emotions and rawness that is there.
It is also a way for me to express what I am learning and experiencing on a daily basis – a way to share my rants, my ups and my downs, the good and the bad, the ugly and the prettiness of life.
As I said, I have learnt how to present a front of perfection, a front of stability and calm in the midst of chaos, a front of fake “me” – but that isn’t real.
So it is time to get real, to be real, to invest into me, and to figure out who I am when I am not trying to be who I think other people need me to be.
It is time to open the boxes and face what is inside, because when I can do that, I will be free.